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LightHearted Musings - Where the Dance of Life Really Takes Place
Posted by Dr. Molly Roberts on December 28th, 2008
The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.
–Barbara De Angelis
Change. The word itself is enough to send a chill through the heart. We talk hopefully of embracing change, but for most people, avoiding change is the real order of the day. Saying that change is to be expected does not really do much good in easing your anxiety about it, does it? As the old year dies off and the new year begins, I thought I would take a moment to talk about change.
It might help to know that there is a rhythm to change. In fact, our lives are perpetually in one stage or another of this cycle, and knowing where you are in the process can be very helpful.
Change is a lot like birth, with all its ups and downs, excitements and challenges. For the concepts I am about to describe, I would like to thank Linda Star Wolf who first introduced me to what she calls “The Cycles of Change.” My description is slightly different - where Star Wolf describes 5 cycles, I have 7 cycles - but the concepts are basically the same and I thank her for imparting her wisdom. So come along on this journey and see where you are on the Cycles of Change.
Stage 1 is the womb where you are very comfortable. All your needs for food and oxygen are being met before you even have to think about it. There is plenty of room to move about, and life is pretty uneventful. It is really fairly ideal in the womb. When people abuse drugs, particularly downers, they are trying to artificially get back to this womb-like feeling. Stage 1 corresponds to the infancy time of life, or any time in your life when you are happy with the status quo and want to turn inward and “hole up” for a while. Peace is the prevailing feeling.
Stage 2 is the time when the womb is starting to get fairly tight. You are growing and your womb no longer fits you like it did before. Every direction in which you try to stretch results in constriction. You know you want things to change, but you don’t yet know how to go about it. You sense change is on the horizon and at this point, that sounds pretty good because it’s still just a concept, not yet a reality. Drug abuse using uppers is more common during this and the next stage in an attempt to get revved up. Stage 2 corresponds to childhood and adolescence or to any time when you start to sense that changes are needed. Frustration is the prevailing feeling.
Stage 3 starts at the point that you enter the birth canal. You are initially excited that you are finally on your way, but the forces pushing on you are pretty strong and even painful. These forces are shaping your head in ways that you didn’t expect and that you are not at all sure you want. At this point, you can’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, so it all feels like more work than it may be worth. This corresponds to adolescence and adulthood or to any time when the drudgery of your daily life obscures the goal that you are trying to reach. Excitement and then possibly depression are the prevailing feelings.
Stage 4 is further along the birth canal. Now you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s starting to infuse you again with hope that you will reach your goal. However, you are still in the birth canal and still getting pushed around by the strong forces of which you have no control. If you could just reach out and touch the light…but it’s still out of your reach. It feels like it is never going to end. This corresponds to the middle years of your adulthood or anytime you are close but not yet holding onto that cigar. The prevailing feelings of this time are hope, exasperation and possibly despair.
Stage 5 is right at the opening to the birth canal. It is then, just as you can literally touch the light, that your head gets stuck in the opening. It has to mold itself even more to find its final way out and this last pressure is the worst of all the other pressures you have been through before. All of a sudden, you are questioning whether the light is everything you made it out to be. What if the light is worse than your current reality? After all, it is an unknown. Why can’t you just go back to the womb where it was all safe and comfortable? The womb is looking really good right now! Even if you have to go back to the pressures of the birth canal, at least you are familiar with that kind of hurt. You have no idea what new hurts await you on the outside. This stage relates to later adulthood, the time of midlife crises, where men may find younger women and women may go back to old comforts like food or even a wish to have another child as the last child prepares to leave the nest. This is anytime in your life when you are about to break through to a major change and you hesitate, considering the option of turning back. The prevailing emotion during this time is fear.
Stage 6 is when you break through your barriers, internal and external, and find yourself on the other side. This can be the birth, the graduation ceremony, the wedding ceremony, the promotion, the retirement party. This is your time to appreciate your accomplishments and to look back with a recognition of the hard work that got you here. Your journey has changed you, molded you in ways you never could have anticipated, and you realize that you could not have been the person you are now without the forces you worked through to get here. You have wisdom wrought from first-hand experience, a level of understanding that you could never have gleaned from reading about it in a book or by having a figurative C-section to shorten the journey. This is the time of old age and the prevailing feeling is the joy of accomplishment and excitement for this next stage of the journey.
Stage 7 is the culmination of your cycling. This is when you are able to rest on your laurels a bit before you start the cycles all over again. You are active during this stage, happy with the culmination of your efforts, sharing what you have learned and acting on your own wisdom. This is a time of mentorship and “knowing what you know.” This time of life corresponds with the crone and the sage, the priest and the priestess. The prevailing feeling of this stage is contentment.
This last stage is very important because you then end up back in the womb of your new home where it all feels comfortable again…for a while. These cycles are continually going on, not just over a lifetime but throughout all the individual phases of your life. With each cycle, you grow a little more as a human being, and so each new womb will be more advanced than the previous one was. In this way, change acts as a catalyst for an upward spiral, twisting and turning continually as you make your way in the world. You may be in differing stages at the same time for various aspects of your life. Identifying where you are in these cycles is an exercise in understanding and accepting your continually changing self.
There is a great quote from the show The Wonder Years - “Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.” Allow yourself to dance and roll with the cycles of change, and who knows, you may just get the ride of your life!
Dr. Molly
Hi Dr. Molly,
Love your 7 stages. I feel like I’m heading out of stage 5 and into stage 6 but I’m not in my older years yet. Very interesting since it seems like I can relate to almost every stage in some way.
Thanks.
Gina
Comment by Gina Rafkind — December 29, 2008 @ 3:08 pm