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Holistic Second Opinion - Some Thoughts on Children and Stress
Posted by Dr. Molly Roberts on January 20th, 2009
Welcome to the Holistic Second Opinion edition of our LightHearted Musings. Another ta-da moment!
Whereas the LightHearted Musings are more inspirational, philosophical and spiritual in nature, this section is meant to give you information about your mind, emotions and body. We honor all of these aspects of who you are, and we hope you enjoy the Holistic Second Opinion as much as you have our other offerings.
This first HSO (Holistic Second Opinion) is in response to Nick’s request after a “Drs. Bruce and Molly in the News” blog post about Dr. Molly’s interview with Univision. The topic was how to help your children deal with stressful family circumstances. The article was printed in Spanish, and Nick wrote in to ask for a translation of the article. Though we can’t provide that for copyright reasons, we can provide Molly’s comments on the subject.
Some Thoughts on Children and Stress
1) It is important for you as a parent to be open and honest with your children when you are going through stressful times. Children always know when something is wrong, and their imagination will often assume worse scenarios than the actual situation may be. They will also tend to blame themselves for the stress if the real source of discomfort in the home environment isn’t discussed. They don’t necessarily need to know every detail, but giving them a general idea of the problem will help them to get a handle on the stress.
2) It is an unfair burden to ask a child to keep secrets from their friends and teachers. If there is something stressful happening in the family, that is when the child will most need the support of their community. If they have to keep it a secret, they will feel more guilt and shame no matter how they handle the situation, whether they keep the secret or tell somebody what they’re going through.
3) Handling problems as a family and as a community is a beautiful way to teach your child that they are never alone in their distress. Keeping the conversation going also opens up the possibility that someone will come up with a unique solution. Problem-solving skills are easiest to teach when an actual problem is going on, and this will help your child learn to be more resilient as they develop problems in their later life. If the child is the one to come up with the unique solution, all the better!
4) Consider having regular family meetings, preferably on a weekly basis. That way, the whole family can check in about how they are doing, can ask for help if needed, where problems can be discussed and solved, and where happy events can be appreciated. This is a great way to head off problems while they are still small and where the child can feel heard and acknowledged as an important member of the family.
5) During stressful times, it can be helpful to focus the attention outward for awhile. Find ways to have your child give to others who are struggling more than the child, and this will help to put the family’s troubles into some perspective. Helping others also gives the child a sense that they can do something positive to make the world a better place, and that can be very empowering.
6) One of the ways that both children and adults can get tripped up in life is to think that they always have to be perfect and happy. Nobody is happy all the time, and most definitely, nobody is perfect! If that is the criteria for a joyful and meaningful life, then we will all fail. Just knowing that everyone has their ups and downs, that there is a rhythm to life, can go a long way in taking out the panic and sense of failure that can happen when the child experiences problems.
7) If your own skills in handling stress are poor, then there is no time like the present to put the energy into learning these skills. Your child is paying attention to you whether you are aware of it or not, and so the best way to teach them how to handle stress is for you to learn first.
8) It is how we handle our problems and human failings that makes the real difference. We can be the hero, the victim or the villain of our own life story. The real challenge is not to be perfect but instead to learn how to step into the hero role during challenging times. Learning to show fortitude, perseverance, love, gentleness, humor and integrity during both good times and bad is a wonderful gift that parents can give their child.
Dr. Molly
Thanks Molly - this is great. As I read, I thought that this is also support for the child that still exists in each of us. These are stressful times for so many, and sometimes in so many areas of life at once. As I move through my own challenges, although I don’t have children, these guidelines will be reminders and practices that I know will make a difference in how things turn out.
Jordan
Comment by Jordan Hunter — January 21, 2009 @ 9:23 am