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LightHearted Musings - Kindness in Another’s Trouble, Courage in Your Own
Posted by Dr. Molly Roberts on February 8th, 2009
Life is mostly froth and bubbles,
Two things stand like stone;
Kindness in another’s trouble,
Courage in your own.
–Adam Lindsay Gordon
Dr. Bruce and I often meet people who feel that they must have done something wrong to cause their life’s challenges. Particularly in this economic climate and with all the changes going on in the world right now, I would like to take a few moments to discuss causality.
It is true that you may have had a hand in your problems and in fact, we all do have a hand in our life circumstances to varying degrees. If you smoke, it is no secret that you are more likely to get lung cancer. If you live a stressful life, it is no secret that you are more likely to get ill. If you cheat on your spouse, there is likely to be a loss of intimacy and trust between you and your partner.
If this information is used to make a positive change for the future, than it is a highly valuable insight. Where this can create problems is when the blaming ends at the blaming itself and nothing constructive comes from the insight.
Since these issues are talked about at such great length, I would like to skip over that discussion for a moment. Instead, I would like to discuss the other side of this coin - that it’s not always your fault.
There are those times when shit just happens. You didn’t cause it, it doesn’t have anything to do with your strength of will or character…it just is.
Sometimes, your genetic make-up looks for any small infraction in your diet or lifestyle to lay down plaque in your arteries. Sometimes, a worldwide economic downturn is the catalyst for you losing your job. Sometimes, the tornado takes your home and leaves your neighbor’s home intact.
The New Age movement has done many good things, but one criticism I have is their insistence that all your problems are in your head, that if you just thought correctly, sent out the right vibes, or prayed in the right way, then you could get rid of all that ails you. There may be some kernel of truth to this, but I am sure we have all seen times when this has been taken to the point of blaming the one who is suffering. To me, this is unnecessarily hurtful and feels too much like kicking someone when they are down.
I do understand where this blame game comes from. Part of this stems from a fear reaction on the part of the person doing the blaming. “If my friend’s husband left her because of some fault in her, and if I don’t have that particular fault, then it is less likely to happen to me.” Or “there has to be a reason this person is suffering because if this were just a random event, I would have no protection from it.” People have to assign blame in order to distance themselves from the apparent randomness of bad fortune.
Of course, all our troubles have many components to them simply because you can’t separate mind, body, emotions and spirit. However, that’s not the whole picture. Sometimes, the broken bone has more to do with the tree you ran into while skiing than the problems in your marriage. Sometimes, the problems in your marriage have more to do with circumstances far outside your control.
Does that negate the fact that we all have some responsibility for how our lives turn out? Not at all. Certainly, if you keep running into those trees, it might be worth the effort to find a different route down that hill. It’s just that you are always a mixture of the controllable and the uncontrollable, and recognizing this can give you an opportunity to see yourself in the richness of your individual experience.
Another comment on this theme…It’s not always someone else’s fault either.
On the other end of this blame spectrum is the scenario where nothing is your fault. Instead, you place the blame squarely on someone else’s shoulders, sometimes your partner’s, sometimes your parents, and then there are all those others you could blame as well. Everything I just said to get you off the hook is equally relevant for these other people in your life.
We are all just trying to figure our lives out as well as we can with the challenges that are placed before us. In general, you (and they) are doing the best you can with the knowledge you have available to you at the time. Yes, certainly, I do want you to take a look at where you bear responsibility for your troubles, but also keep in mind that a lot of healing and love can come from simply cutting yourself and others some slack.
Dr. Molly
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